This process feels like it’s never going to end.
Maybe this process never does end. Maybe we never arrive. Maybe that’s the point. Maybe that is what life is really about- and when we stop growing, we stop living.
Becoming is like a dance. It’s a dance of being undone. Becoming swoops you into new steps. It spins you around and dizzies you with the dips and lifts. Sometimes it an intense Tango; and sometimes it’s a beautiful Waltz.
Lord, dance with me. Take the lead and move me, by your grace, through the spins and dips. Set the tone. Hold me close. Guide me gently. When I stumble, help me to not despair. Remind me to lean into you. Hold my hand. Be with me.
Be with me in this Becoming.
Rocks. Seashells. Princess’ rings. Dead bugs.
That’s how it starts.
But for us Momma’s, we know it is so much more.
Life has been especially challenging in our household the last couple of months. The joy of motherhood is, needless to say, not present on a daily basis. I noticed this summer that when I was handed the rocks, and rings, and bugs – my eyes would roll and almost immediately look for a place to re-home the “treasure”. On our visit to Vashon Island a few weeks ago, I could hear the wisdom of God. It was sobering. Here was my realization: I am the keeper of the treasure.
Often I take it for granted that my small people entrust me with their most valuable finds. Some days it is exhausting to be handed pocketfuls of gray gold (aka rocks). But when God helps you to see that those rocks represent the most precious pieces of your babies day – it shifts your perspective. Or at least it did for me.
The rocks and bugs and flowers are my babes saying “I trust you with what is important to me. Will you watch over it? Will you be the keeper of my treasure” Yes! I will watch over them. I will watch over you. You are safe with me.
Lord, my prayer, help me be the momma they can always trust. The one they always want to bring their treasures to. The reflector of You and Your protection. The safe harbor when life’s winds blow hard. The loving watcher of magic moments. The believer in all things impossible. The cheerleader of tree climbing. The one who champions the difficult. Thank you for reminding me that joy is not a feeling. Thank you that You meet me when I am empty in every way. Thank you for the great honor of getting to be their advocate, their hero, their treasure keeper.
in the quiet, i am scared.
in the quiet, i don’t what i’m doing or which way to go.
in the quiet, I want to retreat. i want to give up and go home. i want to throw in the towel – and walk away.
in the quiet, i don’t want to be fettered to something bigger than me.
it is lonely and cold on the outside of a plan. when life chews me up and spits me out, it is incredibly uncomfortable. God, what will you ever do with my broken heart and shattered dreams?
God, be with me.