Oh, friends. Who can identify? Has anyone else found themselves in a season of life where nothing is “wrong”, but nothing feels right? I keep waiting for the clouds to part and the skies of life to be blue and “happy” once again… but what if they never do? What if this is my new normal?
New normal. I want to fight it. I don’t want it. I want what was – but do I?
What I do wish is that “sound” itself was not so intrusive as to make me want to wear noise blocking earmuffs all the time. I wish I enjoyed my name being called a thousand times a day, instead of wanting a mute button that fostered sanity. I wish my head was clear and thoughts could formulate like they once did.
It is not that my life is bad. I am so blessed! I am. I have nothing to complain about – and I am not complaining. But why do I not love my life if I am so blessed and nothing is wrong? Why am I constantly aware that something is just a little off and I am not the ‘me’ I once was? I don’t light up life, let alone a room.
This is where I do find a need to revisit a monumental transition in my life that changed everything. I hadn’t realized until recently that when my marriage dissolved, somehow a piece of me unraveled with it.
Dang it. Man, I want to kick and bite and argue for that piece of me back. I want to stomp my feet and shout it’s not fair – because it is not fair! I want to be mad and hateful, but I can’t. I simply don’t hate that I once loved a man and built a life with him, had 4 beautiful children and then bam… it was over. I still shake me head at the non-explanation of my counterpart choosing to walk away. He just walked away from it all. And I can’t hate that God intervened and set the 5 of us free from an abusive relationship. I guess I just wish that my magic wand had worked and I could’ve changed other people.
I’ve spent lots and lots of time trying to “fix” me and I am well aware it takes two people… but it takes TWO people. (You did hear the part where I am not sad to not be in an abusive relationship anymore, right?) Somehow, it doesn’t make it any easier to that there was an abusive relationship and that now there is no relationship anymore. I don’t miss the toxic, but I still mourn the promise. The promise that I made. The commitment that I cemented myself in. The tomb that I buried me so that he could be bigger and better than me.
The tomb, hmmm. I thought I had resurrected her, but maybe she’s still in the process of being resurrected. And maybe she can never be resurrected? What if this is just how it is always going to be?