“And yet….”

I am going to share a journal entry/poem/prayer that I wrote today.  Be forewarned, it is a raw reflection.  My last couple posts have been about emerging.  Seeing your value, separating fear from you, etc.  That is just where I am at in life, and so that is what I am writing about.  And though I have those truths that I’ve written of seated well within me, the battle to redefine my reality is real.  Fear doesn’t just relent when we opt out, oh but how I wish it did.  (My guess is some of you know this all too well also.)  Take this for what it is, an honest reflection of my struggle.

“And yet….”

Simultaneously brazen and somehow afraid.  Hopelessly lost, yet fully at home.

A hundred miles I’ve wandered.  Through desolate places I’ve walked.  Dead ends chased with enslaving zeal.  With endless pursuit I have offered my heart.

Value reduced.  Confidence slashed.  “Rock Bottom” priced, once again.  Hope extinguished.  The lie engaged.

Fear fights.

Seeds of value contending to emerge.  Passions aching to bloom.  Dreams once dreamed longing for the warmth of the sun.  Courage held hostage just beneath the surface.  Who can know this battle?  Who can point the way to liberation?  Only my God.

Where are you God?  Carry my broken spirit just a little further.  Find my hand and clench it tight as You lead me the final steps out of the valley that seeks to castrate me.  Silence my enemies.  Be my Redeemer yet once more.  Cause me to know what I know.  Speak again of the promise that cannot return void.  Triumph the adversary of my soul.  Be my strength when all that is left of me is recycled broken dreams.

Lead me just a little further.  Stay close to my side.  Turning back looms with every step.  The last bit is the hardest, so be my strength my Lord.

And as the birthing process goes, God – cause this new life to emerge.  Don’t let fear snuff it out before it takes its first breath.  Make the cries of what’s being born be heard throughout.  Lord, be victorious for me.  Cause me to not despair.  Don’t let the night overpower the dawn.  Hold me close while You extract what was never meant to be…not the new life, but the old dead lie.  You will be victorious my God.  You will be my hero.

And yet…”do not rejoice over me, my enemy.  Though I fall, I will rise; though I dwell in darkness, the Lord is light for me.”  (Micah 7:8)