I’m a girl on a journey to find myself.
No, I was a girl, now I am a mom.
I am a mom trying to make a way.
Trying to make my way in an unknown land.
An unknown land full of landmines.
Landmines called grief.
(Grief, hmm. I guess that would be the key word.)
We can never know what life holds for us ….but we can chose what we do with it.
As I sit, trying to fill out the “About” page, it causes me to ponder and reflect- what am I really about? And you know, I’m not “about” grief, but grief has certainly had a definitive mark on my life. So much so that it would be the first immediate expression that would come to mind when trying to put words to what I am “About”.
This blog may or may not be about grief. More accurately, it is probably about how I personally have dealt with my own grief. The grief and then the waking up process. The mourning of plan A and scrambling to figure out plan B. The process of deep sorrow, anger and learning to honor. The upheaval of all that I have know. The digging for reasons. The pure exhaustion of walking a weary road.
It is also however, about hope. It IS about plan B. It is about being changed….and renewed. It is about rebirth! It is about venturing into the unknown. It’s about learning to fly.
You know, no one can ever really know your story. Stop and think about that. It is a true statement. No one can ever truly know your pain. Grief is isolating. I mean, you can tell your story and people can try their best to identify. Certainly, some people will have had similar experiences. But the process of mourning takes you to your own personal cave. Grief is very isolating. No two people experience grief the same.
I am talking about any loss. Some are bigger, some seem not as big, that really isn’t the point; loss is the point. It is the death of your child, your parent, your marriage…your dreams. It is when the rug is pulled out from underneath you and you absolutely do not know how you are possibly going to carry on. It is when you have been hit emotionally so deeply that you can not breath. I mean, it physically feels like the sorrow is going to suck the life out of you. “How did this happen?!” “And what am I going to do???” It is like the storm in your life knocked you off of the cargo ship you were on and now you find yourself drowning in the icy cold waters that broke your fall. “THIS was not the plan!”
And there is no timeline. Who can tell you when your done? Who gets to say when your sorrow is enough?!
I do not know your pain, but I do know mine. My cave of sorrow wanted to bury me right beside my loss. Some days I was a willing participant to death. Some days there was no fight left in me to continue to survive in the land of the living. Some days my tears could have filled a bucket. Some days I wanted to drown in that bucket, just to not have to cry another tear. But I couldn’t. I couldn’t stop breathing because there was still life left in me. Life was like the tiny baby embers of a fire that were barely flickering, but beckoned me not to give up.
My journey back to life from the cave of death has been a rocky, undesirable road. I have tripped more times than I can count. I can only hope in sharing my observations along the way that somehow it will inspire you to greater life. When plan A falls apart and all you are left with is the wretched shards of plan B, I can tell you that it isn’t going to rain forever. I can tell you that there are always people in the land of the living that will rejoice when you re-emerge. (I can also tell you there will be too many critics to count, but that it will matter much less when you have forged your own way back from the cave of death.) I can tell you that nothing can compare to the feeling of the warmth of the sun on your face when you’ve survived your winter. And I can tell you that one day it won’t hurt to breath…at least not every breath.
So, what am I “About”? I am about finding life again. When the cards you were dealt intended to do you in, you chose to not give up. You chose to stay in the land of the living even though the slumber of your death cave beckons your soul. You chose hope against all odds. You forge a way where there is no way. You find God. You find yourself. And you remember, that it is literally darkest before the dawn…and that is what makes the sunrise all the more glorious.
Just one more baby step back towards the land of the living- you’ve got this.